The silence on this subject is quite overwhelming. I think that's due in part to the mothers who are afraid, guilty, embarrassed, and angry - I don't blame that for that. But I believe that it's time to paint a complete picture of what motherhood is. It's not always rainbows and giggles and cuddles. There's also pain and loss and death. When we acknowledge this truth, then healing will be possible. And then we can start trying again so that we can get to the rainbows and giggles and cuddles part with a fuller and more hopeful heart.

Here's to all those who have lost the ones we have never met. May they know that in the light of forever, they will always be found.

A miscarriage never entered my mind. Throughout the whole pregnancy, I never allowed it to. I was planning surprise reveals, blog posts, photos, nursery rooms, names. Instead we got a surgery, hospital bills, and medicine prescriptions. To shift from one end of the spectrum to another is a rude awakening (emphasis on the rude part); we went from embracing life to duelling death. Before the finality of it all dawned on us, we tried to negotiate, trade, and exchange, but it said, 'No, no, no, no.' So we screamed at it and said, 'No, no, no, no,' too. We all know who had the upper hand...

MotherhoodDeanne BanaresSeptember 5, 2016Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Baby, Marriage, Loss Comments

We Were Made For Loving You

I wrote this three weeks ago but hesitated to post it because of shame. But I told myself that if I wanted to live a life of authenticity - and transmit that through the blog - I had to publish it. I didn't want to put up a front and cast a shadow of perfection. There is beauty in struggle. There is warmth in honesty. There is appreciation in realness. Besides, who wants to read about perfection anyway?

There is no other heartbreak like this. I lie down on my back and hear the doctor say, 'There's the baby.' I smile with relief and look at my husband as he looks at the screen, proud and all. I stare at my baby floating in his or her own grainy gray world and think about how our lives are going to change, drastically and dramatically. Then the doctor interrupts my thoughts and adds, 'But there's no heartbeat.' I stay quiet, my husband stays quiet. 'It's probably embryonic demise,' the man in the white coat says. Demise? Demise? Doesn't that mean...? I don't ask him anything; I don't need him to confirm my thoughts. I dress myself and my husband says to me, 'Doesn't demise mean...?' I look up at him and say nothing...

MotherhoodDeanne BanaresAugust 22, 2016Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Baby, Loss, Grief, Marriage, Strength Comments